So while the title could have a 40k slant, it doesn't really (barring the following brief passage).
Of course you should do your utmost to recognise the lessons learned in a defeat on the tabletop as ways to improve both your character, skill in the game and understanding of your army. I definitely fall into a bloodthirsty pattern in games and try to kill my opponent's army off, sometimes at the expense of the objective. I've either lost or been pushed to a draw in a game where otherwise I've smacked my opponent around. I've learned to take the losing in good humour, not to get mad when the dice don't play and to just enjoy the experience of playing toy soldiers with the good people I've met through wargaming.
So, warhammer stuff over for now. It's time to write about what I'm really feeling.
First up is an admission. I played a strong part in really screwing up friendships because I was being selfish in pursuing a possible relationship, out of fear in fact. I wasn't the only person involved in what happened but I've got to accept a good portion of the blame. I think the friendships might have a chance to be rebuilt with some time and a chance to talk through things but it forced me to stop and really think about my life and future.
While it felt like a loss at first, actually being in the relationship I wanted wouldn't have been the best thing for me. I've come realise that I don't have a good idea of what it is that really drives and motivates me in my life. I don't have a greater goal that I'm moving towards and never really have. The major emotional connections and hope that I experienced in my life (with my ex-wife and this recent situation) came from the relationships representing a chance to escape the uncertainty. I was afraid of not really knowing myself and what I wanted and if I could make the relationships my goals and drives, that would let me avoid confronting the fear. Let me point out at this point that this isn't the best way of doing things ;-)
But it's amazing what can come out of losses and how much you can improve. I'm not only talking about learning to deal with Nob Bikers here (sorry, couldn't resist. I'll always be a geek at heart).
From my ex-wife I realised that I really wasn't looking for the same things in life that she was and that we could grow into a much better people not being with each other. We were best friends (still are) who had a good relationship. For much of the time the major issues could be glossed over because the friendship was so strong. After we separated though we have both gone from strength to strength and learned about ourselves. We've even managed to keep the friendship and possibly improve it even. I'm very fortunate to know such a good person.
From this recent situation I realised that it's probably not right for me to look for a serious relationship until I really know what path I'm going to walk in my life. It's also not right to risk friendships for selfish motives because you may lose much more than you gain and even if you 'succeed' in getting what you want, the pain you cause isn't nice for those involved. I also found the courage to stand up to my fear and admit that I don't know who I am really supposed to be and that it will take time to find that out.
So in order to help find that out.....
.....I'm going to explore the world a bit more :-)
I travelled for just shy of a year before I went to university and it was really good for me. Now the wanderlust bug has bitten me again (it was probably a sneaky Lictor) and I want to see where it will take me.
I have a two part idea, which is currently very loose but that's fine for now as it will start to tighten up as I consider all the angles.
My mother's boyfriend, who I've yet to have the pleasure of meeting since my Xmas trip home was cancelled by the snow in the UK, is very high up in a physics / engineering / renewable energy field and he travels all over the place doing really high level work (Japan, Europe, Australia just recently). I'm going to see if I can get to go along with him, even unpaid on some of this and get a feel for what he does. Perhaps get some future career contracts and use it to boost the resume while I save money doing whatever else I can do. This will necessitate going back to England at least for a while and I'm not totally sold on that yet, but I'm considering it for a bit. It'd definitely save money on the immigration front but on the other hand, if I got residency here then could go travelling for a bit too, that might be the best of both worlds.
For myself, I want to go to Argentina and Chile. I'd like to explore the Andes mountains, the high-plateaus and spend time at the space observatories down there if I can. I've really started to explore my fascination with the cosmos around us and how we play into this incredible universe around us. I'll probably try to take a full year to do this and travel around if I can. Nothing rushed, just exploring the world and myself at the same time.
I feel like it could be quite a religious exploration too (in my own agnostic way) if I get to really be in such a humbling, amazing place and spend time looking/listening to the instruments on space. My image is of being on the roof of the world and talking to God, If God to you means the sheer wonder of this natural world and the cosmic surroundings.
Any resemblance to a defence laser is purely geek imagination running wild
In my most fancy imaginations, I even get to write a book about self discovery and the nature of life, the universe and everything with what I've learned ;-)
Inevitably there is a lot to be done to make any of this happen. I need to gather together funding, figure out whether I even try to get permanent residency or just let my expiry date in June come around, get rid of all those excess possessions that I really don't need, spend time with family before I go off gallivanting again, learn Spanish so I can get around in South America and really put my mind into creating a defined plan.
And you though mathammer took a lot of work.....
Thanks for reading (if you made it this far). As always, more now in fact, thoughts and ideas are very much appreciated.